1
A BUCKETFUL OF TEARS, CRYING LIKE A CHILD
1.
Morton School, half past three in the afternoon, M. is seated in the staircase room on the fourth level facing south on a bench. It is cold. M. has put on a white sweater.
Shachi Nandan comes in and offers his pranam lying on the ground. He is studying in a college. He has passed his F.A. examination. M. asks him to study for his B.A. He himself teaches B.A.’s Sanskrit and Jagabandhu teaches philosophy.
Antevasi is living with M. He takes self-cooked vegetarian meals. M. says, "Thakur used to ask the devotees to take self-cooked meals. It has two advantages. One, the fear of cooking goes away." M. says, "You have to eat to preserve your body. If you cook your meal yourself, you have the feeling of independence. Two, self-cooked meals purify the mind." It is by his inspiration and at his behest that the devotees cook their meals. Shachi has also taken his meals for two months with Antevasi. Today Shachi is going to Rampur Hat leaving the shelter of the protecting feet of M. His teacher and guardian Mukunda has sent a person to fetch him. Mukunda is a rector."
M. says, "Yes, Mukunda Babu’s health is very bad. He must live very cautiously, this is my desire. Please tell him this. And please look after his health. How much work there is! He needs rest. The Buddha enjoined upon all to take to the middle path avalambaniya madhyapantha."
Today it is the day of the immersion of Jagadhatri. The idol is being carried through the Amherst Street. Hearing the sound of various musical instruments, M. comes to the road. With him are Antevasi, Balai and Gadadhar.
They enter the house of Ghoshs in the Bechu Chatterji Street. Having had the darshan of the Devi, they visit Ma Kali of Thanthania and offer Her their pranam. Now the idol is being taken out of the Nandis’ house. A number of idols are being taken to the Ganga through the Cornwalis Street accompanied by musical instruments. And in between one can hear the slogan "Victory to Mother Jagadhatri, Victory to Her."
It’s about seven in the evening. After the darshan of the idol, M. returns. He is now seated on a mat in the assembly room on the second level facing east. He has devotees on all three sides Vinay, the Younger Jiten, Balai, Gadadhar, Buddhiram, Jagabandhu and so on. Dr. Kartik Bakshi having had the Mother’s darshan at Kalighat with his family has returned bringing with him a good quantity of sandesh. The devotees receive it full of joy. After a while arrives Attorney Viren Bose. He brings some articles offered to the Mother Bhavatarini from Dakshineswar. These, he gives to M., who takes off his shoes and brings them up to touch his forehead. Then, he hands them over to Buddhiram. Buddhiram holds them in his hands for about an hour and a half. It looks that M. has deliberately given them to him to test his patience.
The devotees talk of the greatness of the Devi. They say: There is but one Mother. It is only the difference of name that She is Jagadhatri, Mother of the Kalighat or Bhavatarini of Dakshineswar.
M. Our Holy Mother used to worship this Jagadhatri, worship as her Ideal Devi. How much of labour! The preparations for it used to go on throughout the year.
M. beckons to somebody who takes the articles of worship from Buddhiram, the devotee.
M. (to Buddhiram with a short smile) I haven’t renounced, you can think so. (Vaguely) It happens only when one says that He has made one do so. What do you say? It is renunciation only when he makes one do it.
Buddhiram and Gadadhar, having renounced all, have now taken the vows of Brahmacharya. They now live on the bread of charity, and they repeat God’s name.
M. (to all present) So long as you have the pride that you have renounced, it is not the right renunciation. Later on, when you say that you could not do it, you develop the feeling of taking refuge in Him.
"One tries and gives up little by little. Then after one sees that the mind has not been able to get rid of attachment, the sadhaka then takes refuge in Him. He weeps and says, ‘Remove this attachment from my mind.’
"Is external renunciation something insignificant? The external renunciation comes only when the mind is rid of so much of attachment.
"God makes one do so, the man does nothing, through he may say that he is doing it. He doesn’t let one understand. However, some do understand by His grace. Renunciation comes only when He brings it."
M. (to Buddhiram) Here is a beautiful story: There was a king and a queen. She was a Brahmajnani. She would often tell the Raja that God is eternal while the world is perishable. That God is ever for taking and the world for rejection. Hearing this daily the Raja developed dispassion and one day he suddenly disappeared. So, the Rani had to manage the state herself. Since, the Rani was Brahmajnani, she did not have to put special effort in working the state-craft. She could easily see to whom it was necessary to entrust the work. By putting the right person at the right place, she ran the state in a very efficient manner and in between she began to look for the place where the Raja was carrying out tapasya.
"The work of the state went on nicely in the hands of an appropriate minister. The Rani would sit in a room and carry out japa and dhyana. Everybody was aware that she was a tapasvini, that she was always carrying out tapasya. Sometimes, she would not come out of her inner palace for three or four days. The responsibility was that of the ministers they did everything. In other words, she arranged that the state work should go on automatically and all people had come to know that the Rani was in tapasya.
"One day she suddenly went out. She told the people in the palace not to tell it to anybody and she reached the Raja. The Raja was carrying out tapasya on a hill this news she had got earlier. She went to him in the guise of a Brahmin boy. The Raja could not recognise her. The disguised Rani said to the Raja, ‘You have attained nothing, your tapasya is all in vain.’ The Raja said, ‘What are you saying? I was a Raja. I had wife, son, everything. I gave up all. How do you say that I have gained nothing?’ The Brahmin boy said, ‘Carry out your tapasya for another six months. I will then come and tell you how much you have gained.’ The Raja did so. When the Rani came again, she said the same again, ‘You have gained nothing. Carry out more tapasya.’
"The Raja wondered why she said that he had not gained anything. After thinking over it, he decided that because he was living in a hut, so possibly because of that she said so. Thinking in this way, he vacated the hut and took shelter under a tree. Seated there, he carried out tapasya for another six months. The Rani came again. The Raja asked, ‘Master, have I attained now?’ The Rani replied, ‘No, not even now.’ The Raja thought that because he had a seat she had said so. He now left the seat also and carried out tapasya again for six months. This time again the Rani came and said, ‘No, you have not gained yet.’ The Raja was disappointed. He asked what he should do then. The Rani said in a serene manner, ‘Continue your tapasya, you will know.’
M. (to the devotees) So long as one is conscious that he has renounced, realisation is far away. That he makes one renounce, not that I renounce, when one realises this, the real renunciation comes about. This is completely taking refuge in Him. In the words of Thakur, sitting on the pole of the boat. Or, the advent of dawn. The sunrise will follow just after that. He grants His darshan by His grace. The jiva becomes Shiva.
"The Rani loved the Raja. Whose love is real? His, who takes one on the path of God. One can never repay this debt."
2.
A Particular Bhakta So is the external renunciation useless?
M. I have already said still, it has a little value. The real thing is needed. The mind should be clean. It remains full of trash. What use is mere external renunciation? The mind is full of desires, all desires for women and gold. It is full of ego and pride. When pride gets dissolved, one understands that it is all in the hands of another power. Man is helpless, that’s why one gives up pride. It is a hydra-headed monster, it cannot easily be got rid of. One is helpless before this great enemy. It is then that one feels humble. Giving oneself up to Him, one should say, ‘I cannot do it. Please make me renounce.’ It is in the state of helplessness that one cries piercing one’s inside. It was this kind of crying that Thakur took recourse to saying, ‘Mother, let me have your darshan.’ And he saw the Mother while crying. He cried like a child, what is called crying a bucket full of tears. He himself went by this path. So he gave the same straight path to the devotees. In this Kali Yuga bereft of manliness and strength, this is the only easy path. And this is Thakur’s present to this Yuga, this crying full of yearning.
"One takes a step ahead by practising external renunciation. Then, the internal renunciation too can come, there is a possibility. When does one rid oneself of internal pride? When one sees that in spite of one’s best efforts, one is helpless, when one knows that one’s power is no match to it, when all efforts cruelly come to naught, when some invincible power upsets all one’s plans, then alone, one surrenders oneself to that power. He then says, ‘Do what you wish, I cannot do it, I surrender to you.’ This is the path of bhakti.
"It is the same with the way of jnana. What an effort Buddha made! How much he did! The ego simply refuses to come under one’s control. This is called avidya. He just used to take a grain daily. Then the Mother said, ‘This wouldn’t do. One does not attain the knowledge of Self by giving up the body. Eat, take to the middle path.’ In other words, one should neither be an epicure nor a dry renouncer. Thakur used to say, ‘On seeing people making an effort, the Mother makes someone tell what is to be done. Sometimes She does it Herself.’
"The Mother has two kinds of sons. One type is that which asks the Mother for everything. They are happy with their Mother’s love. If the Mother is angry, they cry out of fear of Her. They want to see Her happy. And the other type is that of naughty boys. They say nothing with their own mouth but inwardly they have love for Her, they are proud of Her. Thakur used to say, ‘There is the nature of a kitten and also that of a monkey offspring.’
"The Gita also means the same when it says sarvadharmaan parityajya [Renounce all dharmas (Gita:18-66)]. It means that one should collect one’s mind and bring it to one spot. And that spot is mamekam [on Me (God)]. In this state, one tries to see Him everywhere, in men, beasts and the whole world. This is the state of a sadhaka (aspirant). The same is hinted at in the Vedas, in the mantras, ishavasyamidam sarvam [Every thing in the universe abides in the Supreme Being].
"Later on, by His grace, when one sees His form, this mood of ishavasyam [abiding in the Lord] becomes natural. The Mother then lifts the veil of ignorance. In that state, one sees that the Mother Herself is living in different forms. Idam sarvam i.e. to say this snare of the universe. This is a form of the Mother. (For Thakur) Rati’s mother was a form of the Mother of the universe, as also the girl assisting the masons and also the cat. Thakur used to see the Mother outside as well as inside. Having become stable in this state of bhava, Thakur said, ‘The rishis are also frightened.’
"First of all, one has to take up a bhava (spiritual mood). This happens by faith in the words of the guru, in the words of the scriptures. Later on, one sees His direct presence. Then the bhava becomes stable."
"And this is not the end of it. Thakur used to say, ‘And the Mother is also so much else.’ Even so, when one attains this state, this problem of birth and death is solved The jiva becomes Shiva."
"Thakur used to see Mother in numberless bhavas after this daily in a new bhava, always in a new form. He used to say, ‘There is no end to Her.’ He used to refer to it by calling it the state of the most perfected among the perfected. The Vedas calls it turiyaatita [the state beyond turiya (fourth)]."
M. (to Buddhiram) Haven’t you heard Thakur’s fable of the elephant and the ascetic? An ascetic having undergone a lot of tapasya gained some powers. He became proud that he was the owner of yogic powers. One day Narada Muni was passing close to that ashram. Peeping inside the ashram and offering namaskar he said, ‘Is your tapasya going on well? How far it has gone?’ The ascetic having returned the namaskar said very confidently, ‘Yes Sir, it has gone quiet far. I can kill that elephant just by saying it. And I can also revive it.’ Narada feigning surprise said, ‘Very good, so you have attained a lot. I can see it. Well, I ask you one more thing, have you attained God? What you have attained is magic.’
"Do you know what it is like? In the words of Thakur, it is like taking a low caste paramour. There was a brahmin child widow. The whole of her life she preserved her chastity but later in life she look a low caste man as her paramour."
M. (smiling to Buddhiram) Why, don’t you feel like doing it killing the elephant and then revive it?
"When you asks for the hospital and dispensary and other such things, you cannot attain Him. Why? You don’t want all that?"
M. thinks for a while. Then he resumes.
M. (to all present, seriously) You should say to Him, ‘Grant me Your darshan, grant me Your darshan’ and not just do japa and dhyana. And in between, one should sing in a lonely spot. You should say the same in your song.
A Particular Young Man Will it happen just by saying, grant me darshan? It does not come from within.
M. Yes, it will happen just by that. When one speaks from the mouth, it gradually goes in. From mouth, it goes to the mind. Thereafter, it enters within, within the heart.
"The thing is this, first the word i.e. listening. Then meditation on it, i.e. deep thinking on it. After that, nididhyanasana [deep meditation]. At the time of thinking also, there is danger. Next, when the principle is realised, one has to keep meditating on it one should live feeling one with the thought. In this state, the head and heart become one. Thakur used to say, ‘Make the mind and mouth one.’ Then word, thought and realisation become almost one. Why almost? Because even then, there is no direct realisation. Therefore, I say almost. Then, all these three ultimately come to one point. Then, one is in the direct presence.
"While singing, head and heart very quickly become one. That is why, Thakur used to say that one should sing in a lonely spot. One becomes a changed man in a moment. Even if it is momentary, it is good. When one has tasted it, one tries to keep on holding it. Then one doesn’t like anything else. One does everything but the mind remains attached to that joy. This is followed by making the moment permanent. If one can hold on to this joy in every condition, one has indeed gone quite far.
"Thakur said to a particular bhakta (M.), ‘There is unmana samadhi. In it, the whole mind concentrates itself suddenly in Him.’
"By weeping secretly in a solitary corner, one becomes accustomed. Once, one is accustomed, the mind suddenly rises and can be fixed in Him even amidst a thousand tasks.
"Thakur left no problem unsolved. He has left instructions for men of all states from those who live in household to those who are perfected by spiritual practice and those spiritually perfected among the perfected. Who has the time for thinking over these things? Those who are very fortunate only enjoy this matchless wealth."
Morton School, Calcutta,
Thursday, 6th November 1924,
20th of Kartik, 1331 (B.Y.),
The 10th day of the bright fortnight,
26 Dandas/15 Palas.